


Irrational Decisions

by Mufffy



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: ...Sorry, Am I banned from the jeremy protection squad yet, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Cats, Crying, Heavy Angst, I DONT MAKE THE RULES, I've been feeling down and just.. took it out on my boys, M/M, Mentions of Eating Disorder, Panic Attacks, Screaming, Swearing, do you want them to be happy or not, hhh...., i always get upset and then get happy after i vent so i add a happy ending, i should be tbh, it's breif, pretty much, shrugs, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-08
Updated: 2018-04-08
Packaged: 2019-04-20 02:54:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14251527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mufffy/pseuds/Mufffy
Summary: "Well then maybe we should just break the fuck up!" Michael screamed. As soon as the words came out of his mouth, he regret them. His throat dried up as he stared down at Jeremy. He looked like his life was ending before his eyes. Michael felt his heart drop and shatter to the ground when Jeremy started to cry. Tears streamed down his face quickly and rapidly, dropping on his front porch. Michael could only stare with a quivering lip and guilty look in his eyes. Jeremy sniffled and gasped for a breath before taking the step inside his house, slamming the door behind him.





	Irrational Decisions

**Author's Note:**

> its like 1 am and im just feelin down guys ,,,,

"Well then maybe we should just break the fuck up!" Michael screamed. As soon as the words came out of his mouth, he regret them. His throat dried up as he stared down at Jeremy. He looked like his life was ending before his eyes. Michael felt his heart drop and shatter to the ground when Jeremy started to cry. Tears streamed down his face quickly and rapidly, dropping on his front porch. Michael could only stare with a quivering lip and guilty look in his eyes. Jeremy sniffled and gasped for a breath before taking the step inside his house, slamming the door behind him. 

Michael flinched at the slam, feeling his heart break for good. He swallowed roughly, his breath picking up roughly as he shook. He looked through the window of the house, watching Jeremy's father pull the curtains closed, glancing at Michael before he closed them completely. Michael looked down, knowing this was his fault. He broke them apart. He didn't even remember what they were right about, but he guessed it didn't matter now. He felt his knees giving out slightly underneath him, leaning on the railing around the deck. 

He flinched as someone screamed inside Jeremy's house. He knew it was Jeremy screaming and crying. He finally let the tears fall from his eyes. His heart ached at his stupid decision. He hurt Jeremy and made him feel this way. His heart physically tighten as Jeremy let out a high pitched scream that shook him. He ended up gasping for breath as he walked to Jeremy's steps, sitting down, hyperventilating. His heartbeat was loud in his ears, his blush rushing rapidly through his body. 

He held his head in his hands, rubbing his hands through his hair. He had cold chills and a heat wave going through his body. He felt sick to his stomach, only imagining how Jeremy felt. Not only did he break his own heart, making Jeremy feel like shit. Jeremy was probably thinking so many worse things. Asking why over and over again. Michael bit his lip roughly, trying to take some pain away from his chest. 

He remembers Jeremy in high school, his bright eyes, and loud laugh. He used to be so happy. So pure and innocent. Michael ruined that. He broke that pure and happy boy with one sentence. That boy he was still in love with. That boy who helped him through so much shit. He broke fifteen years of trust with one sentence. He broke a two-year perfect relationship with the love of his life with one sentence. One sentence he would do anything to take back. If he had just acted quicker or told Jeremy he didn't mean it. 

Michael couldn't imagine what Jeremy would look like at school. He probably wouldn't even show up. Knowing him he'd stay crying in bed for a few days and refuse to eat. Michael would do that to him. He'd break his little boy just because his anger got the best of him. Michael sobbed, letting let his face fall into his hands. He felt sick and light-headed, only wishing Jeremy would get better. He knew he wasn't. He couldn't help to imagine the thoughts going through Jeremy's head. Questions like Why and How. What happened? Michael smiled slightly, unable to believe all of this even happened. Just an hour ago they were fine. Just twenty minutes ago they were fine. They weren't even arguing. 

Jeremy was smiling. Jeremy was laughing and living. He was enjoying life. He could do anything. On top of the world as he snorted at Michael's stupid jokes and let himself be so vulnerable to heartbreak. Michael didn't mean to. He didn't mean to break Jeremy's heart. He never meant to hurt him. He didn't want that. He wanted Jeremy in his arms as he cried. Jeremy would sit in his lap and hold Michael's head to his chest, running his fingers through Michael's hair. He'd whisper jokes to get Michael laughing. 

Jeremy would hold him close and reassure him. Jeremy would never hurt Michael like he did to Jeremy. Jeremy wouldn't even do it by accident. He'd never do something like Michael would. Michael sighed and gasped for a small breath, feeling his lungs burn. His eyes burn with the headache he gained, pounding into his skull. He wiped his face with his hoodie, doing no real use since he was still crying. He whimpered pathetically, unable to do anything. He wanted to get up and run into that house, scooping Jeremy up in his arms as he held him, promising he didn't mean it. He didn't mean it. Sorry wouldn't fix it, but he was on the track to fixing it. 

Michael's attention was caught by something brushing his side, honestly hoping it'd be Jeremy. He looked back and saw a cat. Jeremy's smoky grey cat. Michael smiled lightly and pet him "You could feel my pain huh?" Michael mumbled. He read somewhere that animals could sense human pain and sorrow and would comfort them as best they could "Thanks buddy" He smiled, petting the cat softly. He slowly picked it up, putting it in his lap as he hugged it carefully "..I'm in pain bud" he whispered, feeling the cat softly lick his tears on his cheek "..That's not gonna help me much" He whispered, feeling the cat stop "But thanks for trying" He smiled, petting its head, feeling his tears bubble up more. 

The realization of what just happened hit him. It couldn't be real. He wouldn't let it be real. He couldn't have hurt the love of his life with one sentence. He just... couldn't. He looked down at his feet, feeling the cold embrace of the night air. He couldn't believe he had just.. said something like that. He sighed, rubbing his eyes again to clear his tears. Impossible. Michael wouldn't do that. He wouldn't. But he did. He hurt his Jeremy. His love, one and only, soul mate. He hurt the boy who was always there for him and did nothing wrong. Sure, he did take an evil supercomputer pill, but that was years ago. Michael forgave him. This. This wasn't as big, but he could already tell Jeremy would take forever to forgive him, if ever even did forgive him. 

Michael could only cry and hope for the best at this point. 

____________________________________________________________________ 

 

As soon as the words left Michael's mouth, Jeremy froze up. He felt panicked, his breath stilled as Michael stared at him. His eyes were blown wide and full of pain, feeling his heart shatter. His eyes searched frantically for any sense of remorse. He found guilt and pain too. He blinked, tears welling in his rapidly as they fell. He blinked, letting them fall onto his porch as he choked up. He was desperate to choke out a least a small "Please" or a simple "Sorry", unable to say anything. 

He watched Michael's lip quiver before he sniffled lightly and gasped for a breath, wanting to get away. He tore his eyes away from Michael and ran into his house, slamming the door behind him. He cried freely, gasping and hyperventilating. Michael wasn't happy with what he was. What he was giving. Michael didn't want that. He couldn't make Michael happy. Michael hated him, he didn't want him. Michael didn't need him. Why the fuck would he?" Jeremy felt and so familiar voice in his head, whispering in his ear. He jumped at the sound of curtain moving, looking up to see his dad staring out the window, closing it. Jeremy watched his dad crouch next to him, whispering something Jeremy couldn't hear over his own hyperventilating.

He heard whispers and voices in his ear, panicking him. He did the only thing he knew he could do and scream. He screamed as loud as his voice would allow him, breaking into sobs immediately after. The voices were gone, but his thoughts weren't. The wrenching thoughts of Michael taking over his mind. He held himself, shaking at an alarming rate, his whole body shivering. 

He felt a hand on his knee, jolting his head up to look at his dad. He hushed Jeremy lightly before opening his arms carefully for Jeremy. Jeremy frowned and let out a shriek as he hugged his dad, sobbing into his shirt. His throat burned from screaming and eyes burned to the rim red and stinging. He hyperventilated in his father's chest, wanting to scream more and more. It was the only thing he could. Cry and Scream. He didn't feel like crying, even if he was pouring his heart and soul from his mouth as he cried.

He made incoherent sounds, gripping his dad's shirt as tight as he could. He shivered, burying his face "W-we're- He-" He gasped before breaking into tears again. He pulled away to look at his dad, knowing he looked disgusting. He couldn't care as he stared at his dad for comfort. He gripped his dad's shirt, tears streaking his face horribly. The whole front of his shirt was soaked in his tears and possible spit.

His dad smiled and pet his head, leaning against the wall to beckon Jeremy over. He wasted no time in crawling to his father, burying his face into his neck as he whimpered "It's okay, Jeremy" He whispered "I understand what happened" That only made Jeremy cried more, sobbing. He was completely heartbroken. Overreacting sure, but it hurt. His heart was ripping and he could feel it. He could feel strings before pulled and some break. His heart was shattered and the glass pieces were cutting his chest to shreds. 

"I-It hurts.." Jeremy gasped, hugging his knees in his dads's lap. Just a while ago they were laughing and joking, having fun. Michael was joking while Jeremy laughed. He hated his laugh, but Michael said it was beautiful. Jeremy gasped at the memories and whimpered slightly "..Why does it hurt.. so much?" He whispered, his hearing tearing in two at all the shared kisses they had. He shook his head and flinched when his dad put a hand in his hair.

"Well, Jer.." He whispered, carding his fingers through his curls carefully "You're in love. Believe me. You don't just love him anymore. I'm sorry to say you're in love" His dad whispered, kissing his hair "It's rough. I know, but it'll get better" He reassured Jeremy "You'll come back around"

Jeremy stayed silent, pitifully crying and breathing heavy like a toddler who was upset. He sniffled, leaning into his dad more. He straightened his legs out a little, rubbing his fingernails across his pant leg. He looked back on all the kisses they shared again. From their first experimental one in ninth grade to their senior one, an hour ago. It was in the car when Jeremy got in, leaning over like usual to give his traditional kiss. Michael was turned to him expectantly, waiting for his kiss as Jeremy buckled in. Then Jeremy leaned over, holding Michael's cheek with one hand kissed him. And just as soon as it started it was over. Like a candle that was blown out too soon. Jeremy felt tears streaming down his face, quickly wiping them away, knowing it did no good.

He stayed in his dad's lap for the next ten minutes, calming thinking. Michael didn't want him. He had to come to terms with that. The understanding of what's happened. They were broken up. They weren't together anymore. Jeremy nearly threw up as he covered his mouth. He let out a low whine, just thinking about how he wasn't Michael's. Michael didn't want him. They weren't anything anymore. Jeremy didn't even know if they were friends. But Why. Why did it have to be like this? Painful and nerve-wracking. Why couldn't they be friends? Why did it end so soon? Two years wasn't enough. Fifteen years wasn't enough for Jeremy. He wanted more. He needed Michael longer. He didn't just want Michael. He needed him. Fifteen years was too short to have something that amazing. Not all good things had to come to an end. Jeremy and he could talk about it. They could work it out.

Jeremy wiped his eyes with his sleeve, noticing the red hoodie. He felt his heart race, having to give it back to Michael. He wanted to see Michael again. Wanted to never see him again. He wanted to run away and never see him again, but still be in his arms each night. He was willing to do just about anything for it. He sniffled and pulled away from his dad, rubbing his eyes one last time "Thanks dad" He mumbled, hugging him tightly. His dad smiled and hugged him back tightly, rubbing up and down his back.

Jeremy pulled away and helped his dad up, reassuring him he would be fine. He waved at his dad as he went to bed. Jeremy stayed still for a few seconds, glancing to the door. He walked to the window, glancing to see if Michael was even there. There and behold, sit Michael on his front steps, hunched over. Jeremy swallowed thinking, feeling his tears come back. "Not now" He whispered, wiping his face one more time. He took a breath and took the hoodie off, staring at it. He rubbed his thumb across a patch, holding it close as he slowly opened the door. He noticed Michael's flinch, feeling guilty. He swallowed, remembering Michael didn't want him. He nearly broke into a sob then and there before closing the door behind him. This was his best friend. He should be able to talk to him easily. Even if he broke Jeremy's heart and is now his ex.

Jeremy sighed and walked beside Michael, his shoes shuffling on the wooden floorboards. He glanced down at Michael, taking a step down the porch stairs "Uh... T-this seat taken..?" He mumbled, playing with Michael's hoodie in his hands. He shivered, the cold finally getting to him. He scratched the back of his head and glancing at Michael again.

"...It's all yours" Michael lightly chuckled, moved his hand over for Jeremy.

Jeremy hesitantly sat down next to him, slowly nodding in understandment. He took another step down and sat down next to Michael, feeling slightly better just by his presence. He knew he shouldn't be okay with Michael right now, but he still loved him. He swallowed thinking, feeling his tears come back "I uh- ..I forgot I had your hoodie- And uh, I-I thought you'd probably want it back" He mumbled nervously as he held it out for him. He watched Michael just stare at it before he looked up at Jeremy.

He started balling. He gripped the hoodie tightly before lowering his head into the fabric, crying. Why did Jeremy have to be so nice? Jeremy sat still for a second before hesitantly putting a hand on his back, slowly rubbing his back "I-It's okay.." Jeremy mumbled "I... It's okay if you don't uh.. want us to be together. I can accept-"

"N-no!" Michael sat up quickly. Jeremy flinched, feeling tears roll down his face too "P-please.. I love- I love you.. I-I'm sorry!" He screeched, his voice cracking rapidly. Jeremy stared up at Michael, crying harder now "Please... Stay-Stay with me.." Michael begged.

Jeremy blinked and bit his lip, staring at Michael with wide eyes "..Cuz' you're.. all I need" Jeremy smiled a little and laughed away his tears, laughing loudly. Michael stared down at him, smiling lightly. Jeremy smiled and rubbed his arms "Sorry.. perfect moment" He grinned.

Michael laughed lightly, missing their friendship already. Michael sighed and held his hoodie out "Dude, you're freezing" Jeremy glanced at it, reaching out for it hesitantly. He smiling a little and took it, pulling it over his head to keep warm. Michael smiled, glancing at Jeremy "..Look- I.. What I did was unforgivable" He whispered.

"I forgive you" Jeremy whispered back immediately. 

Michael looked at him, completely confused "..Why?" He whispered, getting choked up.

Jeremy stared before smiling sweetly at Michael. He looked gorgeous as ever in the moonlight. The only real light was the ones in Jeremy's house, the only light there was the porch light his dad left on for them. Jeremy shrugged and smiled wider, staring at the street "I don't know... A guy once told me everyone deserves a second chance" He whispered, glancing at him "After I.. called him a loser and was a total dick. He gave me a second chance.. Helped me heal" Jeremy smiled, fidgeting with his hands in his lap "..So maybe. You deserve a second chance too" He smiled, reaching for Michael's hand, ready to pull away if Michael protested. 

He jumped slightly when Michael grabbed his hand, holding it tightly "Jeremiah.." He whispered, wiping his eyes "Have I ever told you how caring you are..?" 

Jeremy giggled and shrugged "No, it was usually comprised of how much you love me" He laughed, shrugging as he stared at their hands.

"Well have I ever told you how much I love you?!" Michael grinned.

Jeremy giggled and nodded "..Will you again?" He pouted.

"Fuck, c'mere" Michael whispered, pulling Jeremy in for a soft kiss. Jeremy smiled, melting instantly as they pulled away too soon "I really love you.." Michael whispered "I'm sorry I was a dick"

Jeremy laughed and rubbed his arm "..Guess we're even now" He smiled at Michael "Panic attack for a panic attack" Jeremy winked.

"..Too soon" Michael shook his head, holding Jeremy's hand tightly "..Are we.. Are we good now? ..We're both okay?"

Jeremy nodded and leaned on Michael's shoulder "I'm okay, are you okay?"

Michael grinned and kissed his forehead "..I'm okay" He whispered.

**Author's Note:**

> IT'S 5 AM AND I MADE MYSELF CRY BUT YOU KNOW IT'S OKAY BECAUSE IM OKAY WITH THIS


End file.
